My Movie Review/Extreme Rant on Noah (2014)

I'd like to be honest with you guys. This is likely not the prettiest way to be making my 67th film review, but hey...as they say, not everything is all sunshine and rainbows.

This movie that I'm giving you all an analysis on today...IS OF THE VERY WORST ADAPTION OF A BIBLICAL STORY I'VE EVER SEEN:

"Noah (2014)"

Considering how much of a travesty this movie is, I'm not even going to bother starting off with a summary other than saying that this is an "adaption" of the Biblical story of Noah, directed by Darren Aronofsky, written by him and Ari Handel, and starring Russell Crowe as the title character.

The first time I saw this movie was a long time ago with my family, and we hate it so much. I hated it enough that I left in the middle of it, so many thoughts about it running through my mind. Then, I saw it again for the 2nd time recently in preparation for making my review on this film, and now that I have...my thoughts on why I disliked it became clearer.

The story and direction of the film was pretty much a dump every step of the way. It was not only completely unfaithful to the actual story, but the dark, dramatic, and depressing tone it had was so overwhelming it made things far from fun. It was too overbalanced from all three of those descriptions. Not only that, but the film seemed to lean too much on environmentalist values, especially because of the emphasis of animal value over humans.

For those who think that the action sequences are the most sluggish and uneventful ever seen in a film, I very much agree. Even though the characters were obviously fighting, they lacked energy and liveliness.

The CGI that was used in this movie was also something that I found to be cheesy. Much more than "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor", if I may add. Every effect that was used in this film had so many obvious signs that they were done by computer, right down to the flood waters.

On the subject of the acting, I definitely don't doubt the abilities of its cast. They were okay. However, their talents and abilities were completely wasted by the film's script and direction, like they were as drowned as the wicked people in the flood. It doesn't help that the dialogue they were given for their characters was as forgettable as a forgotten memory, that's for sure.

The character development overall didn't even signify much of a great growth for each character, particularly because it wasn't clear on if the commitment of Noah and his family was diminished or not. It was almost even like saying we should throw our faith in and trust in the Lord away like garbage.

In conclusion, this film is an absolute disaster. Not only due to the waste of talent, but for having too much Hollywood and too little Bible.

So, I rate "Noah (2014)" zero out of five stars. Move over "Zoolander", you've got company.